2014년 12월 6일 토요일

Final Draft.

'How criminals overcome the fear and after knowing that how we can protect ourselves from them?


Maybe the viewers think that my thesis'We can protect ourselves from the criminals by admitting that they are same with us' is quite crazy or wrong. But I want to persuade you with my reasons. People think that criminals think and act differently, even from a very young age according to the 'http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/why_do_people_commit_crime.htm'.
It means that people think there is no reason about crimes. However, there are various reasons that they do the crimes. The most effective reason is the financial problem according to the Lee Yung-hyeok(The Korea Police university's professor). Also, the another reason is that the environment surrounding them considers them different.And that makes them hostile for the world. They were also people who are same with us, and there is a way to back them be the normal people. That way is understanding them and admitting that they are same with us I think. Don't be hostile for them, Now, find the reasons and ways in a calm and orderly way.

 There would be no one who does not know the criminals that are one of the issued part of the world because the criminals rates are increasing now according to the 'http://asiancorrespondent.com/85740/skorean-violent-crime-rate-exceeds-united-states/'. Many famous criminals became the movie or drama such as the criminal minds, and the Mentalist. It means that the society concerned about the criminals. Because of this state of a society, many articles and experts indicate their opinions. As one of the experts, I read the Lee young-hyeok(Korea police university's professor)'s article and quote his mention. He said that the criminals do the crime because of the financial problem. It's different with many prejudices like 'http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/why_do_people_commit_crime.htm'. And also the psychology today(a bi-monthly magazine published in the United States) indicates that the susceptibility is caused because of the prejudice. And the criminal's mind is also filled with the guilty and the frightened.

 Many people think I'm wrong with my thesis'We can protect ourselves from the criminals by admitting that they are same with us'. It could be wrong as they say that the criminals are different with us, as we see in the 'historylearningsite'. However, I insist this thesis with logical reasons. Many victims feel the guilt and the shame when they do the criminals according to the http://www.thejuryexpert.com/2012/11/only-the-guilty-would-confess-to-crimes%E2%80%A8-understanding-the-mystery-of-false-confessions/'. The reason we get the scared and the frightened is because of the prejudice as we above. And this prejudice makes people be in the confirmation bias. However, we could be out in this confirmation bias by admitting that they are same with us, and this process can help understand the criminals.

 It's a controversial thesis. Crime is already issued in the real world like this theme becomes dramas and movies. It could be hard to persuade the people that the criminals are same with us. But I think I could do with my logical reasons. First of all, victims feel the guilt and the shame when they do the crimes. However, people do not think that's real.This phenomenon is caused because of the confirmation bias. Maybe It's impossible to avoid making the confirmation bias. But with this progress we can't eradicate the crimes. Contrary to our beliefs, They are same with us. We just want to deny the truth, which the potential that we could be the criminals. Second, Unlike our thought, There are many reasons they do the crime. One of the reasons is the financial problem according to the Lee hyung-yuk(Korea police university president). They do the crime to live their life. Final reason is the discrimination for them. Their youth memory is filled with the child abuse and the bullying as we can see in the Korea serial killer'유영철' 's case. 유영철 said that the teacher of his youth abused him with the curses that do not come to the school. But no one helped him, and that makes him hostile for the world. However, if we helped him, this bad situation might not appear. It is all because of the indifference. As I say above, our fault is bigger than their personality. Also, the graph in my research5 shows that the overtreatment doesn't help the criminals stop the crimes. Like that, we couldn't say this is all because of the criminals.It's all because of the absence of a social institution and the indifference of the society. We could help them. And the first step for helping them is admitting that they are same with us. After we admit, we could see them in an another sight. We all want a peaceful world. Of course, we couldn't make the peaceful world only by preventing the criminals. According to the psychology today.com and 'historylearningsite', criminals also feel the guilty, So we have to understand them for saving ourselves. My argument is already issued in the real world. And nowadays the actual way to prevent a crime is issued, too. This thesis can attract an audience and can help the real world.

 Actually My argument is quite against the public opinion. Many citizens think the criminals are stationary people as we see in the http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/why_do_people_commit_crime.htm. Namely, they couldn't be purified. Some of the opinions can be right. Some of the criminals cannot be purified. I agree. But I insist that some of their opinions are excessive. As I say many times, It's the hasty generalization. Maybe It's hard to purify the criminals who do the crimes. But not all of the criminals are the people who do the violent crimes, there are many other crimes. Their reason is different. Also, it's hard to break the prejudice. My opinion that admitting that the criminals are same with us is not same with the public opinions. However, It doesn't mean understand them recklessly. First understand their background, their primary background is full of many bad things as we see in the 유영철 case. And absolutely the criminals do not want these backgrounds. And these bad backgrounds affect the criminals very much. We have to consider these things. We couldn't justify the criminals just because of their bad situation. But we can help them, not justify them.
Of course, these arguments are unbelievable, until now. I agree. But also believable reasons exist. I use the Korea police university's mention because these criminals apply for the Korea. There are many crimes and the criminals. And they are spread all over the world, too. So I also apply the Korea view like http://asiancorrespondent.com/85740/skorean-violent-crime-rate-exceeds-united-states/. The six researchers are all verified.



 I was very cautious to select my argument. But to know the criminal mind was my dream in the past, and also dream the peaceful world. So I select the thesis 'We can protect ourselves from the criminals by admitting that they are same with us'. I insist this argument because of the confirmation bias, prejudice and the social indifference. We just justify them that they are different with us as we see in the 'historylearningsite'.However, It's wrong thought, we just think that they are different with us at will. And also as we see above, the most major reason is the financial problem according to the Lee hyung-yuk professor. And as we could see in the Korea serial killer '유영철' the social indifference makes the criminals more hostile for the world. So with these logical reasons, we have to admit that they are same with us. It doesn't mean that we have to admit recklessly. We can understand their background information and help them. We can give a big help for them, and this first step would make us understand the criminals naturally. This admitting helps the criminals to stop the crime and the world will be peaceful and we could protect ourselves from the criminals and the crimes.

References

http://dic.daum.net/word/view.do?wordid=kew000031221&q=%EB%B2%94%EC%A3%84+%EC%8B%AC%EB%A6%AC%ED%95%99

(Are We All Susceptible to Crimes of Passion?

Does murder lurk in every heart?

(A "Crime" May not Be a Product of a "Criminal Mind"

Thinking patterns, not current laws and customs, are basic.

(This personal statement was written by ggfield1 for application in 2009.https://www.studential.com/bio/getps.asp?ps=1205)


(GUN POLITICS AND LEGISLATION


(2014/03/30 14:56mhdiscussionhttp://blog.naver.com/mhdiscussion/140209597182)



– NOVEMBER 28, 2012


(South Korea 2013 Crime and Safety Report


East Asia & Pacific > South Korea > Seoul

(By  Jul 12, 2012 1:07PM UTChttp://asiancorrespondent.com/85740/skorean-violent-crime-rate-exceeds-united-states/)







Research7

http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/The-Criminal-Mind-Michael-Weber

He said that the criminals want to be purified.

week15. APA Citations

http://dic.daum.net/word/view.do?wordid=kew000031221&q=%EB%B2%94%EC%A3%84+%EC%8B%AC%EB%A6%AC%ED%95%99

(Are We All Susceptible to Crimes of Passion?

Does murder lurk in every heart?

(A "Crime" May not Be a Product of a "Criminal Mind"

Thinking patterns, not current laws and customs, are basic.

(This personal statement was written by ggfield1 for application in 2009.https://www.studential.com/bio/getps.asp?ps=1205)


(GUN POLITICS AND LEGISLATION


(2014/03/30 14:56mhdiscussionhttp://blog.naver.com/mhdiscussion/140209597182)



– NOVEMBER 28, 2012


(South Korea 2013 Crime and Safety Report


East Asia & Pacific > South Korea > Seoul

(By  Jul 12, 2012 1:07PM UTChttp://asiancorrespondent.com/85740/skorean-violent-crime-rate-exceeds-united-states/)





2014년 12월 1일 월요일

peer review2

Evaluation for 20304 - 20304 김규민(Kim kyu min) http://20304kimkyumin.blogspot.com

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?
3점, 중간에 파트부분이 빠진곳이있음.
How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
리서치가 교육적인 부분이 없음.

Thesis
What is the thesis?
 E-sport should be regarded a real sport.
Is the thesis clear and debatable?
네.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?
찬성에서 썼을 것.

Any other thoughts?
아니요.

Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
중간에 narration이 증발해버린것같다.

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?
게임을 좋아하는 많은 청소년의 마음을 끌 수 있을 것 같음.

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?


Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?


Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
잘 말했습니다.

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis?


What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
narration에서 확실하게 말해줬으면.

Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?


When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
네.

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
안바뀌었어요.

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
E-SPORT에 대한 자세한 예시들.

Research
Is the author using research effectively?


Is the research from appropriate sources?


Are the sources obvious?
네.

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
네.

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
네.

Peer review1

Evaluation for 20303 -20303 Kim Gaeun http://20303kimgaeun.blogspot.kr/

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?
This essay deserves a three. She could receive more scores if her topic was not that usual like cyber bullying.

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
There should more exact researches about real-name and ID. And have to sure about the topic. Also there aren't exact explains about the common belief.

Thesis
What is the thesis?
The internet real-name system is an inappropriate tool to solve current social problems on cyber space.

Is the thesis clear and debatable?
Yes and yes.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?
The internet real-name system should not be used on cyber space.

Any other thoughts?
It is based on the real social problems, so if she could find any other ways to solve the problem, that will be quite amazing.  .

Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
I don't see the articulation. She didn't articulate what she want to appear in this essay.

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?
The introduction catches my mind. Because she said about the real-name on the internet and examples.

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
Yes, but actual reason was not in there. We have to guess..

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
Yes, she surely confirms and shows what happen will be occured.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
I think the counterpoint was good. She says adequately. Many explanations about the real-name. It means a resaonable
.
Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis?
Yes. I think the final point was that real-name is not a good solution. She wanted to show us that we have to develop our own solution.

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
I think more and more researches should be in there. Also have articulate what she wants to say.
Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I disagreed\\

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I still disagree

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
I did not change my mind.

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
She should have to show what is her solution.She said real-name should not been shown. But there aren't any alternatives.

Research
Is the author using research effectively?
Yes

Is the research from appropriate sources?
Yes, Many of them are existed and from academic.

Are the sources obvious?
Yes, the sources are obvious.

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yes

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
I think that if there is a real example. That could attract many people.